First, a couple of quotes:
“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get ahead in this world are the people who look for the circumstances they want. If they can’t find them … they make them.”
– George Bernard ShawThat is pretty apparent, isn’t it … we become what we think about? It stands to reason that a person who is thinking about a concrete and worthwhile goal will reach that goal and become what is thought about.
Conversely, the person without a goal, who does not know where to go, and whose thoughts are those of confusion, anxiety, fear, and worry … also becomes what is thought about. This life becomes one of frustration, anxiety, fear, and worry.
Remember, one who thinks about nothing … becomes nothing.
That’s Earl Nightingale from his classic text, “The Strangest Secret.” Nightingale recorded that on vinyl and, in 1956, was awarded the first Gold Record ever awarded for a spoken word record. It’s message is as valuable and valid today as when Earl first wrote it.
Over the years, I’ve made reference to Earl as my “long-distance mentor.” There are a handful of people on this planet I can clearly point to who absolutely guided the course of my life, and he is one of them. It was Nightingale’s influence that directly lead to my deep interest and subsequent study of broadcasting, public speaking, and personal achievement (including books and seminars by people like Napoleon Hill, W. Clement Stone, Dale Carnegie, Zig Ziglar, Tony Robbins, and others.)
One of my earliest memories was the short, syndicated television program run each weekday morning called, “Our Changing World.” It seemed every segment began the same: Earl would appear on camera perched on the edge of an office desk, look into the camera, and in a voice I assumed was modeled after God’s own, he’d start, “I was reading just the other day…”
As a fan of reading myself, I figured he and I had at least something in common.
Over the years I’d taken in his television programs, as well as the syndicated radio programs. Then I learned he owned a company that sold audio cassette programs that taught some of the concepts he discussed so often. Over the years, I’ve sent many, many dollars to Nightingale-Conant Corporation, the company founded by Nightingale and business partner Lloyd Conant in 1960. With every purchase, I always felt I ended up on the better end of the deal.
When Earl passed away in 1989 I was privileged to write an article for my public speaking coach, Dottie Walters, who published it in her magazine for public speakers, “Sharing Ideas.” Dottie told me she gave a copy to Earl’s widow, who was pleased to have read it.
Earl’s message in “The Strangest Secret” is found in the quote above. Over the years he presented it in various renderings. The message is simple, straight-forward, and — in my experience — axiomatic: you become what you think about most.
That works not only in the grand scheme of things we call “life” but also in the short term. Our internal dialog is a powerful thing; you can use it for good or bad. The outcome depends entirely on the questions we ask it.
Bandler and Grinder discussed this often in both print and workshops. Our brain is perfectly willing to answer any question we throw at it, regardless. If it doesn’t know the answer, it’ll just make something up. (Go ahead, laugh. It’s still true.)
We become what we think about most.
It follows that if our internal dialogs — the little conversations we have with ourself when we think — focus on negative things, negative things will manifest themselves in our external life. It’s axiomatic, too, that if we focus on the positive things, positive things will manifest themselves externally.
How can negative thoughts affect our lives? Ever think about a potentially stressful event and give yourself chest pain?
Louis Binstock, who was a greatly loved rabbi of Temple Shalom in Chicago, wrote an outstanding book titled, “The Road to Successful Living.” Binstock writes:
The causes of failure lie within a wide and confusing area: the culture we live in, our definitions of the two words, success and failure, our personal psychological makeup. But often failure, and the approach of failure, take more common and obvious forms. We are not all scholars; we are not all godly; we are all not psychoanalysts: we must deal with the tworld as it presents itself to us.
There are, in terms of our everyday reactions, ten common causes of failure. These ten are basic. Know them, conquer them — even a few of them — and you will have removed the most stubborn obstacles from the path of true success.
Rabbi Binstock goes on to discuss all ten. One of them, not surprisingly, is this: the ready tendency to blame oneself, in private anyway. He states,
Why was I such a fool? What an easy mark I am! Why do I always put my foot in it? Why do I always say the wrong thing? What a dope I was!
…
This is pernicious thinking and dangerous practice. It plants deep the feelings of inferiority and insecurity which will later spring up like weeds to dominate “the well-ordered garden of the mind.” Abraham Lincoln, who failed in many things but was far from being a failure, once said, “My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure.” This contentment is paralyzing. You may see yourself as happy in failure; and you will tend to fail everywhere.
One of the most profound books in my library has to be Viktor Frankl’s, “Man’s Search for Meaning: Experiences in the Concentration Camp.” If you have never actually read this book, I am certain I cannot possibly convey to you the solemn experience that lives between its covers.
A few quotations from the book:
“Everything can be taken from a man but … the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
“What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of him. What he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost, but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by him.”
“A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the why for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any how.”
Viktor Frankl could have died, as did his beloved wife, in the Holocaust. He could have died while a prisoner in Auschwitz between 1942 and 1945. He could have succumbed to the pitiable situation he found himself in. (In each somber reading of this book I tell myself I could have, easily.) Instead, Frankl died September 2, 1997, living — living — ninety-two years. In the course of his life, he wrote numerous books and changed the course of many, many lives — including mine — through both the telling of his story, but also examining and explaining how he survived.
We become what we think about most.
I know it’s fashionable to make fun of the “power of positive thinking” movement that really found its legs in 1960’s “Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude” by W. Clement Stone and Napoleon Hill was (and remains) a classic text. I’d quickly put it next to Napoleon Hill’s, “Think and Grow Rich,” and Dale Carnegie’s, “How to Win Friends and Influnce People.”
PMA on its own is not the solution. As Tony Robbins is fond of pointing out, while you’re spending your time saying, “There are no weeds in my garden! There are no weeds in my garden!” — the weeds will take over your garden. It is the opposite cause of what Rabbi Binstock noted, but the end result is the same.
Maxwell Maltz, in his book, “Creative Living for Today,” writes:
Your self-image will sustain you in creative living if you learn to declare war on your negative feelings — and win the war in the battlefield of your mind.
Your mind is a battlefield, never doubt this, and if you win, you will experience peace of mind during your fulfilling days.
So, how do you avoid negative feelings when you have to deal with this thing called life? I’ve often said that life isn’t the stuff that happens to you; life is your reaction to the stuff that happens to you. It sounds trite, I know, but the next time someone really torques you off, instead of getting angry, just stop. Regardless what the cause, say this out loud:
(Actually, that’s reframing, but we’ll cover that some other day.)
Even if you think the above is nothing but a bunch of new-age horsefeathers, ask yourself this: what if it really works only because you believe it works? And how can that be any different from how it really works anyway? (Doesn’t that sound familiar?)
As strange as it may seem, the secret well may be that we become what we think about most.
Powered by FireStats
I agree strongly with the Shaw quote you used in the beginning of your essay. However, I have also seen people be pretty much crushed by circumstances. It’s always a threat that our ‘lift by the bootstraps’ ethos may become a substitute for lack of compassion, and it’s important that we, as human beings, guard against that. Justice, or its human approximation, doesn’t happen on its own.
I’ve seen people crushed, too. The weight of emotional stress isn’t insignificant, that’s for sure. But given the example of Viktor Frankl, there are alternatives to giving up.
As for compassion, I believe that people should become aware of alternatives, become aware that they have choices they may not have considered. Fear that leads to stress often comes from a feeling that you’re backed into a corner with no way out; that you have no choices.
Sometimes to just sucks to be someone, no doubt about it. But I’ll stick to my belief that you have a choice how you react to life’s suck monsters.
John
Suggested reading “The Magic Of Believing” by Claude Bristol – He may have been the first in the self help success books and goal setting.
I consider him the grand – dad of NLP because his method of staying positive and on target for success was to hang positive messages all over his house and office. He also used the mirror principal – which is very Wicca like in Wicca history except they often use a black mirror.
It was from reading his book (Long before I learned hypnosis) that I learned that the subconscious mind was open for suggestion all day long and humans often suggest to themselves more negative suggestions than positive suggestions.
We become what we think but most people ARE what they think. This was the reason he hung positive suggestions all over his house and office. Including pictures that motivated him in a positive way.
I feel he was right in saying that human thought is one of the most powerful forces on earth.
All in all it is interesting theory that works for me.
Best ahead,
Works for me, too, Glenn. I’ve often found getting people over the “hump” of actually recognizing how powerful the mind can be is far harder than actually doing it.
One of my favorite Bandler books is, “Using Your Brain — For a Change.” I’d probably like it just for the title, but it is a great book, too.
John
Again, I agree. I’m just pointing out that it’s a very easy shift from stressing that people have choices in how they react to life to blaming victims. I think one of the real dangers of the American myth of rugged individualism (which in general I heartily support) is that it is also the root of social darwinism. I think the self-help movement emerges from this same overall mindset, and is prone to a similar sort of corruption. Shaw was a socialist and strongly involved in issues of social justice. I would imagine social justice issues, and human rights issues, were important to Frankle, too. So teaching that people have choices is vital to promoting hope, but it’s no excuse not to lend a helping hand when one is needed. That’s all I’m getting at.
In case I’ve never taken the time to state this: I really enjoy the comment section.
Following up on that thought (the socialist mindset,) it reminds me of Tony Robbins suggesting that we “do” depression. While that is often the case, it’s not always. Clearly there are chemically-based emotional difficulties. So treating all types of depression with “traditional” therapy and, when things don’t work out claiming the patient “doesn’t want to get better” is mean-spirited and absurd.
Unfortunately the phrase “positive mental attitude” has been abused to the point that the message is largely lost. I still believe it’s still a valid, vital message.
John
One of my tricks when going after a goal is to use my computer screen saver – with pictures and other motivational images to keep me on track. And give me positive suggestions for a goal.
It works for me,
Best ahead,
John, you lost me with the term “socialist mindset.” It happens that one of the people you quoted was a socialist, so his comments need to be read in that larger context. I’m most certainly not a socialist, so I don’t quite understand what you’re saying.
The socialist mindset suggests “one size fits all.” Clearly there have been therapies throughout the years that have adhered to that concept. The application of PMA is just a fitting example.
I disagree with the “one-size-fits-all” therapy idea, and I gave an example above. In other words, I considered what I wrote to be supporting what you wrote.
If I actually intended to call you a socialist, I’d have created a clever nickname for you, not used innuendo. 🙂
John
Just call me Karl 🙂
Yes, well, had you chosen your name as Neumann instead of Newmann this would be a non-issue. 🙂
That was so over my head.
John,
Well written, as usual.
I must, however, take total exception to the general theme. A lady that used to work for me always said “never criticize until you’ve walked in someone else’s pant hose”. I say, unless you’ve lived a life that is totally cursed, you can’t understand.
I’m nearing 60 and am one of those that was raised to do the right thing….blah…..blah…blah. Unfortunately, It is so ingrained in me that I can’t change. As much as I’ve come to admire the bad guys, I can’t go over. I’ll just take it until one day they mercifully throw dirt in my face.
Whether it is Mellon Bank, Arthur Andersen, vicious yuppies or Alan Greenspan life has been cruel beyond comprehension. Maybe others don’t believe in “bad Luck”, but, believe me, it is VERY, VERY real. This morning was a common, but classic example – I had gotten up at 3AM after returning my 90 year old mother to the home. I had taken her to my house for a week and was trying to get back to my fledgling and failing new business – I made a promise 35 years ago to take care of my wife – otherwise I would chuck it all. 10 minutes from home I get a ticket for an expired license plate – my wife’s car. I have no idea how it happened and one could blame me, but I will say this: the last time I didn’t get a notice, IL had my car registered to a totaled Pickup truck in Indiana. This kind of stiff is just normal.
I could tell you stories that no one would believe, but it no longer matters – life is mercifully coming to a conclusion I hope – my main regret is I passed my luck on to my boys – I already see signs of it and I raised them to to “the right thing” – a legacy no father should leave a child – it’s just cruel.
im
Look, you’re not going to get any arguments from me. Life — on either side of my family — has been no bed of roses, either. Bad stuff happens. Sometimes, some people seem “marked” to get their unfair share of it. So, when I see someone who richly deserves a dumptrunk full of manure, I realize he’s not getting it because people like us are getting ours and his.
The point I attempted to make is not how to avoid bad stuff, it’s how to deal with bad stuff. While we cannot (for the most part, so far as I can tell) control how many piles of dog crap is deposited at our doorstep, how we react to it is entirely in our hands.
That’s my experience. Life ain’t easy. And that’s why I shake my head in sad amusement when I see college grads thrown to the wolves without a single professor telling them exactly what to expect here in the real world.
John
I feel that life happens and life is a happening… I also feel we are what we think and we attract what we think!
If a person thinks bad things will happen I feel that they will attract bad things that will happen to them.
If a person wants to attract wealth, riches or fame or any other goal. The first thing to do is to think to attract what they want. And then go into action to attract what they want.
Suggested reading – “The magic of believing by Claude Bristol…
It works for me…
Best ahead,
I hadn’t thought of this in a long, long time until I saw it referenced on Adam Curry’s blog today. It’s called, “The Two Wolves“:
Ah, platitudes. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just live our lives by bumper stickers and platitudes?
I had a father I saw maybe three times after I was ten, a mentally ill, abusive mother, a couple of chemically dependent brothers (and one who was smart and cut and ran early) and tons of therapy bills. I’m not really big on platitudes.
I fully expected some (most?) of this to be relegated to the “platitude” column. The problem I have with that is the same as that I have with the some (most?) of the PMA crowd: one size does not fit all.
I don’t believe for one second that chemically based mental illness can PMA itself into some semblance of normal life. I’ve witnessed the relative instant difference anti-depressants can make on someone years of therapy could not crack.
By the same token, I have witnessed people changing their life by changing their mind, and it was as simple as that.
It is no more fair to suggest that a positive mental attitude is the cure for all mental ills as it is to suggest a positive outlook cannot “fix” some forms of depression.
John
I think the story of the two wolves is great John.
Humans have a choice over what is considered good or evil. They also have the ability to choose their own thoughts. When they choose their thoughts it gives them the ability to choose their moods.
This gets into how we feel and how we feel effects our health. I feel often and I have met people in my own family that really “choose to be sick”… Often I feel it is for attention.
Hanging messages and images motivate in a positive way like the story about the two wolves – or something like “you are what you eat” on the fridge to help with a diet I feel can be a very powerful way to get things done and be more productive. Depending on the goal!
Great post John…
Best ahead,
Glenn, interesting comments regarding our ability to choose our thoughts. I have a psychology book in front of me right now called “unintended thought,” which cites an awful lot of science to demonstrate that often we don’t choose our own thoughts at all.
Now just because I recognize that the issue of positive thinking is not simplistic, doesn’t mean that I don’t agree that positive attitude is important. I don’t doubt for a minute that John has seen changed minds lead to changed lives.
I have found in my own case that sometimes a positive attitude follows postive action, and not the other way around. The actions that we take and the habits that we develop can have a profound effect on our way of thinking, which in turn reinforces our behavior.
I have found in my own case that sometimes a positive attitude follows postive action, and not the other way around. The actions that we take and the habits that we develop can have a profound effect on our way of thinking, which in turn reinforces our behavior.
I agree with that. I think most people are familiar with the phrase, “Look up!” — something others tell us when we’re “feeling down.” As it turns out, our physiology — literally looking upward rather than downward — does change things upstairs.
I’ve gotten a few snarky emails from people who take me to task for suggesting that PMA is the solution to a shitty life. The problem with that, of course, is I never suggested such a thing. What I have suggested is that often you can direct your happiness by what you think about and how you go about thinking it.
I don’t know how else I can put it: life is not the stuff that happens, life is your reaction to the stuff that happens. Things are going to happen. Period. Most of it you have no control over. The only thing you do have complete control over — short of some physical/chemical condition that prevents it — is your reaction to the things that happen to you. It’s up to you whether you allow something to literally irritate the life out of you, or if you shrug it off with, “Well, that’s inconvenient.”
John
John I think that this is one of the best things I have read in your blog…
“I don’t know how else I can put it: life is not the stuff that happens, life is your reaction to the stuff that happens. ”
Great stuff – Keep up the great work.
I also think that we as humans have the ability to choose our thoughts and choose our moods by doing so.
I feel that we as humans have the ability to choose our thoughts and our moods but I do feel that many humans are in the act of pretending to – choose not to choose their own thoughts and react in their own ways of self destruction.
If you are not choosing your own thoughts, who is? The point is I feel that thoughts happen. Thoughts are a happening. Human thought is energy and in theory is part of natures energy and in theory is connected to – or part of in theory the subconscious mind. And in theory the subconscious mind is connected to the theory of the universal mind.
And in some books like the magic of believing by Claude Bristol. It suggests that the theory of the universal mind is connected to or part of… Or as Dr. Dyer put it “The source”…